Downpour
by Beast of Honor
Summary: Witness Seifer's descent into madness.The sequel to [TRICKLE] Rated 'R' for Mature Themes
1. Snow

Disclaimer: I still don't own Final Fantasy VIII, or the characters, but I own this story ****

Disclaimer: I still don't own Final Fantasy VIII, or the characters, but I own this story!

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Notes: Yes, my friends, what you've been waiting for! (I think?) The sequel to "Trickle". I got this idea from a fan, so…here you go, seen from Seifer's eyes. Please review, and let me know what you think. Is it worth continuing? ("Daystar" will be put on hold.) Sorry! ^_^

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Downpour

By Joydrop.2O

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Time: 5:13 p.m.

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Location: Balamb

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Date: December 2, 2000

The wind takes us high. It makes us float, we feel free. Winter air delivers what only Gods and Goddesses should handle. But no, we have it. We can take it. The air is cold, the air is fine, and I can see her smiling at me. Oh, how confusing life is. To go from looking at days with cruel, brutal eyes, to living a live only few get to live. Her touch burns through the icy atmosphere, but gently warms me up. Ah yes, now I know. This is what it feels like to be alive. We're flying.

She laughs, and we laugh. The buried sun still finds her skin, and reflects rays of light. The once damp and snow infested world is now aglow. Beaming her beauty. I sway with the universe in the light she sheds, and she moves with me. We dance.

A rare liquid wasted on me. I contaminate her, but she feels good. All hope is lost, but I know she can make it. Once hidden, she found me. Once heartless, she loved me. Once dying, she revived me. How do I return the favor?

"I'm cold."

She shivers, and I melt. Words from her have an affect on me. Anything she says. I can take on the world; I can die under its crust. I can swim forever; I can drown in seconds. I gently touch her, and she sighs. 

"We're almost there, we can turn back if you want."

Walking over the powdery ice, we hear the gentle squishing beneath our feet and my own voice. Daylight is almost wasted, but she provides the light. She doesn't want to swim in these impurities, the extra layer of discomfort that I covered her with. I'm to blame. I will heal her.

"No, we can't turn back. This hospital _has_ to have what we need."

We walk in silence, and it's all I need. Her white, cloudy breath swarms me, and I don't mind. I inhale it in mouthfuls. She's now inside of me. Her shoulders move under my arm, her fingers limply dangle from her hands. Her skin awakens me. She's trying to keep warm. I don't blame her. Balamb is famous for it's frigid winters. Naked trees surround us. The branches, dark and twisted hold down the flawless snow. It's me. I'm holding down Quistis. Vagrant and bent, hanging onto stable perfection. I cover my eyes in disgust.

"Is your nose cold too? Yeah, it's so embarrassing. I turn apple-cheeked so easily."

No darling, my nose isn't cold. I glance over at her. Her cheeks stained a light pink color, her nose a darker pink. The colors seem to blend in with her outfit. If she were warm, she'd be pale. White as the frost that clings to nearby car windshields. It's beautiful though. Sheer delicacy.

Passing the open shops, I see customers look at me through the glass and quickly look away. They fear me, they still do. I don't blame them. I don't mind. Their words are so useless, mediocre. What they have to say has already been said. It only matters what Quistis thinks. If she fears me, if she hates me, I'd fall to her feet. Beg for forgiveness, change who I am. Her thoughts are the only thing I listen to. They gasp when they see her under my arms. I offer them a twisted, confusing smile, unsure what I look like. Yes, believe it onlookers, Seifer Almasy was able to capture magnificence.

"I hope we get there soon, I don't think I can walk anymore. My feet are frozen."

"Of course you can still walk. You've been in worse positions."

She cocks her head to the side.

"I suppose you're right."

The faded green sign that reads "You're now exiting Balamb " lay behind us. Fields of ice encircle our bodies, covering dead grass. The walk to this certain place is going to be a long, hard walk. We were told there was something there to help her, maybe not cure her right away…but make the remains of my pain disappear for awhile. It's worth it. The air bites beneath our clothing. She flinches, but I don't. The wind takes me high; it makes me float. It makes me free.


	2. Exit

Downpour ****

Downpour

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Time: 5:57 p.m.

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Location: Leaving Balamb

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Date: December 2, 2000

Softly, flakes begin to touch the tip of her hair. They playfully dangle from the strands, as she takes each step. Softly snowflakes touch the tip of my hair, but only melt, and splash my scalp with cold drops. Once again, the feeling of being cold.

It reminds me of the days I ran restrained, yet free with Raijin and Fujin. We held our heads high, and tortured those who happened to fall in our path. Me, strong and fearless would grab younger students by their shirts, and thrust them so hard onto Balamb Garden walls, that the paint nearly chipped away. My reasons for such actions are still unknown. It's all that's been done to me. Physically? No. Mentally? More times than anyone would wish for. Shaky palms smash into the ground. The remains of my mind painted a blunt message in the sky for everyone to read. 

"This is Seifer; pitiless, wretched, and ill mannered. Stay away from this one." 

I don't know the whole world, yet the world knows me.

Fujin and Raijin; such respect had to come at an expensive price. Idolization has shown in the worst way possible. I want to hurt them. I want to kill them, but if they were gone who would look up to me? Their names only bring one definition up to mind: Feeble "yes man" who are only able to shine when sheltered within my shadow. Bastards. Yes, I do still speak to them. Why, you ask? The answer is still unknown. I'm probably contradicting myself, but who knows; they may come in handy later.

"You know, I don't blame you for what's happened to me. I didn't think you'd get cured… but you did. There is a way out there, and we _are_ going to find it."

"Yeah, it's out there."

My responses are short and to the point. I have a lot to say to her, but thoughts of the way I've wasted numerous years of my life are beginning to interrupt the joy I have right now. The bliss of being with her, knowing I am able to take care of somebody.

We're still far from reaching our destination, and already I'm about to fall to the ground. Does she feel the same way? How do I ask her to turn back? How can I say that I'm feeling weak; that the powerful title I'm given is being manipulated by the wrong person?

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Time: 7:43 p.m.

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Location: Somewhere outside Balamb

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Date: December 2, 2000

This walk is getting us nowhere. With the weather we're surrounded by, we're bound to wake up sick in the morning. Does this hospital even exist? Was the only cure left the one that was used on me? Damnit. What the hell was everyone thinking when they poured it into my mouth? Does Quistis actually have the same amount of care for me, which I do for her?

I cringe at the thought of me knowing how to feel. If she hadn't touched me in so many open places in my life, I wouldn't be walking her to this unreal hospital in the deadest air. I'd be back at home. Yes, tormenting seeds. Laughing at their mistakes, their attempts to seem strong. Either that, or being out cold on my hard mattress. 


	3. Paralyzed

Downpour ****

Downpour

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Time: 9:34 a.m.

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Location: My Dorm Room

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Date: December 3, 2000

We wake up cold and wet. Our heads sunk low on this cheap bed. I look over at Quistis; who is shivering, and I see water droplets splashing onto her naked shoulders. The ceilings are leaking. The results of Balamb Garden wasting more money on senseless SeeD balls, rather than caring for what's falling apart in this damn building. The snow melting on the roof makes the drops fall quickly. I wonder why Quistis hasn't opened her eyes after being touched like that.

I thought for a moment how we ended up back in here, rather then in a hospital waiting room. I then realized that we never did leave the Garden last night. We were planning on it, but the weather chased us back to the dorms. I was dreaming. Damnit. We should've left anyway.

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Time: 11:13 a.m.

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Location: Cafeteria

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Date: December 3, 2000

Looking around this room, I notice how everything is so artificial. Brightly colored wallpaper is plastered on the walls. Fake plants sit in the corners, just to liven and cheer things up a bit. The only thing bringing us back to reality is the huge window we're surrounded by. Snow pounds violently to the ground, instantly killing the flowers below. Still, girls let out remarks like "Aww, look how pretty it is outside!" Pretty? They must be blind.

She hasn't spoken to me since last night, and it makes me wonder what I did wrong. Did I neglect to keep her warm? Did I say something? I stand in this line for whatever's left from this morning's breakfast, and she moves much faster than I do.

"What'll you have honey?"

Quistis reaches for the cup of bright fruit. I watch every move she makes.

"Ahem, you're holding up the line."

Why isn't Quistis speaking to anyone? Someone is tapping on my shoulder, but I ignore it. Thoughts of me saying, or doing something terrible flood my mind. It's not hard to think back to the night before. We were actually happy. We were laughing. We were free. What's wrong with her? When the touching on my shoulder became irritable I finally turned my head.

"WHAT THE FUCK DO YOU WANT?!"

The cafeteria becomes silent, and I am face to face with the small woman behind the counter. She backs up idly, and shrugs. 

"I uh…" She swallows nervously. "Just wanted to know what you'd be having."

  
Quistis looks at me, as if I'm inhuman. As if I'm a disgusting creature that just attacked a young schoolgirl. Quickly she grabs her tray and continues onto the rows of tables.

"Shit." Covering my face, I rest my elbows on the polished tabletop. There's a line forming behind me, but nobody says anything. Maybe because I'm Seifer. I get special treatment, because if anyone should speak to me, I'd snap their necks. Leaving my tray behind, I decide not to give anyone trouble.

She sits with Squall, and the rest of the loved members of the Garden. And I peek behind this wall enviously. Laughing with them, smiling with them. The way she used to smile with me. Sharing her glow at a table with people who actually deserve it. The scene is enough to drive me mad.

"Yo Seifer, whatcha doin' man?" 

I lower my eyes down to the ground angrily. The thought of those two finding it so easy to talk to me, after leaving a scar on my stomach was disgusting. I felt like punching his face in, and throwing Fujin to the ground. They couldn't imagine how off their timing was. They're like wounded animals. I could hurt them all I wanted, and they'd still come back to me. Surely, I could've killed Raijin, that day in the infirmary. What stopped me?

Ignoring his question, I continued staring at her. She knew I was there, she even looked at me once and awhile. There wasn't really anger in her face. It was obvious her laughter was a bunch of bullshit. She looked empty. Something I hadn't seen in awhile.

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Time: 2:31 a.m.

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Location: My Dorm Room

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Date: December 6, 2000

Three days have past, and I'm still at a loss of information. We haven't sat down and had one of those "real" conversations. I've been hoping for one every time she steps into the room. I never get one. She opens her mouth, and tells me things I can do without hearing. I talk to her sometimes, when she's asleep. Can she hear me speak? Does she understand? I've been staying up late, by myself. Not really with my eyes opened, just a strange condition of being asleep, as well as awake. Hard to explain, but let's just say this: it's hazardous to the mind.

She says she loves it when I look at her, but she won't even look at me. Lying here in silence with her is like resting next to a dead body. She says she loves it when I touch her, but she doesn't respond to it. I'm not going to wake her up, and tell her what I feel, because I doubt she'd be listening right now. It's obvious she's sick, but I'm sure that's not what's bothering her. I want to let loose, talk to her, touch her and she doesn't appreciate it. Oh well, what can I say? Am I being selfish? I actually thought she was different from everyone else. Helping me when I fall, instead of kicking me on the ground. I was wrong, as usual.


	4. Seven

Time: 9:08 a ****

Downpour 

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Time: 9:08 a.m.

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Location: Training Center

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Date: December 4, 2000

Getting a hold of Dr. Kadowaki seems impossible. I always call the Garden that she's transferred to, but she's never there. The medicine for Quistis, it seems is intangible. Something we could only hope for, like a wish to win the lottery or a dream to be somebody.

She's been surviving on small blue capsules that she's forced to take daily. They provide the strength for her to move, for her to speak. I know she can't live on these "miracle pills", but I don't know what to do to help. They seem to be losing their charm, because she can't even talk to me. I can't UN-break what I have broken. Fuck, I hate myself.

Wrapping my fingers around the rubber grip, I jam the sharp tip of the Hyperion into the gyrating body of the Grat. It's screams echo through the center. Swiftly, I duck from it's lashing vines, as it tries to get one more hit into this fight. Spinning around, I give it 3 more fatal slashes, before it could fall to the ground. It's life flows violently from all the open wounds. Gasping for breath, I reach down and collect the blood soaked potion it left behind. It seems senseless to get it, since I was left unharmed. Ah well, I could tease some begging, bleeding and crying amateur with this.

"That T-Rexuar really did a number on me! Please let me have that! I NEED IT!"

Laughing, I tucked the small bottle into my pocket, and waited for the idiot to come along.

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Time: 6:30 p.m.

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Location: Balamb Garden's Hallway

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Date: December 4, 2000

Upon returning to my room, I run into Quistis and Squall who are speaking in front of the door. When they see me, Squall takes his leave, and Quistis enters the room. What the hell is going on? Squall pasts me quickly, keeping his eyes fixed on the ground. Bastard.

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Time: 6:32 p.m.

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Location: My Dorm Room

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Date: December 4, 2000

She's lying on the bed. Resting on her side, tracing the wrinkles on the lemon colored blanket. Her legs are curled up and her face is pale. I almost feel peaceful sharing a room with her. It's the only place I know. Snow falls lightly in front of the window, and I can hear it touch the ground below. I want to share what I feel right now. I feel I'm going to breakdown.

"Quistis, please talk to me."

She doesn't move. Resting her muscles, she breathes slowly. Blonde hair falls over shoulder and warms up her neck.

"Can you at least tell me what's wrong?"

No answer.

"God, forget it." Annoyed, I walk to the corner of the room. Giving my gunblade a quick swipe with my thumb, I wipe any spots off of it, and place it neatly into the protective sheath. While setting it back against the wall, my shoulders brush against the shelf nearby, and I send her container of pills crashing to the floor.

"DAMNIT!" My voice is loud, and it interrupts the sound of the snow.

Quistis gets up from the bed, and walks into the bathroom, shutting the door behind her. Angry with myself, and angry with her, I began cussing as I sweep the capsules into my palm. Peering into the nearby wastebasket, I toss the broken container away. There was something in there. Hidden below all the crumpled papers and used tissue. 7 sapphire tablets lay undisturbed. I knew what I saw, but stupidly, I compared them to the ones in my hands. Identical. Why the hell is she throwing them away?

Furious, I throw them to the ground, and brutally swing the bathroom door open. She was knelt in front of the sink, splashing water onto her face. The loud sound of the door almost being ripped off the hinges startled her. She stared at me, confused. Water drops were all over her face.


	5. Brutal

Downpour  ****

Downpour 

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Time: 6:41 p.m.

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Location: My Dorm Room [Bathroom]

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Date: December 4, 2000

I didn't know what I was doing. I'm still not sure why I opened the door so wildly. The only thing I knew was that I was behaving like some raging maniac; and I was scaring her. 

"WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING TO YOURSELF?!"

"What are you talking about?"

She backed up towards the bathtub.

"You know damn well what I'm talking about! Why aren't you taking those pills?"

"I am taking them."

Shaking my head, I screamed loudly at her. I spoke of my discovery in the trashcan. She rests her hand on the sink counter, and begins breathing quickly. Nervously. She looked afraid, and she had every right to be. 

"Why are you doing this Seifer? I don't need this right now. I DON'T NEED THIS! I don't want to live anymore, I WANT TO DIE!"

I stood silently letting those words sink in. Thoughts of her finding it so easy to leave me behind only pissed me off more. Thinking of her talking to Squall more than me was fucking crazy. All of my rage and pent up frustration was growing in my fists.

"That's great! JUST DIE! We don't need you anymore!"

She nodded, tears streaming down her face. Her chest heaved up and down. I shouldn't have said what I said at the moment, but I didn't really care anymore. If she wasn't interested in saving what only a few people get to have, then neither was I. 

"Fuck you Seifer! I don't need you. Who needs someone like you?"

Shit, here it comes again. She's the last person I wanted to hear that from. She seemed so weak in front of me. How can someone weaker than me, speak so badly? It drove me mad, how she couldn't see how much I cared for her. My eyes were burning right through her as she continued saying how she wants to die without me. Somedays, I pray that this never happened, but I can't take it back. 

I wanted to shut her up. I didn't want to hear this. Not knowing what I was doing, I raised my fist to her and slammed it hard into the side of her face. A loud "SMACK!" echoed through the little room. The force of my hand, and the shock of me hitting her, caused her to fall backwards into the bathtub. I didn't feel sorry right after I did it. I stood there and watched cruelly as she held her cheek in pain. She opened her eyes and stared directly at me. A look of confusion, sadness, weakness, and fear pierced into me. Lowering my eyebrows, I suddenly realized what I had done. I had just abused the only person who ever cared for me. 

Moving towards the tub, I held out my hand, as if to say I was sorry. I wanted to help her up. I wanted to hold her. She moved her hand from her face, and quickly pressed her back against the porcelain wall, backing away from me. I wasn't going to force her to get up. She already had enough on her mind. I gave up, and swiftly exited the bathroom, shutting the door behind me.

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Time: 10:10 p.m.

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Location: My Dorm Room 

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Date: December 4, 2000

She hasn't come out yet. Perhaps she knows that I'm still in here? I never wanted her to be afraid of me. How can I expect that, after what I just did? I can't hear her moving in the bathroom, but I can hear her crying. I can't take this anymore.

Walking to the door, I place my hand on the doorknob. Should I go in, and comfort her? Would she even want to see me? No, I'm not even going to try. Instead, I leave the room, trying to escape all my mistakes. But how do I escape myself?


	6. Landscapes

Downpour ****

Downpour

Time: 11:41 p.m.

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Location: Balamb Garden [Entrance] 

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Date: December 4, 2000

I've been sitting out here for what seems like forever. The air is cold, and it's beginning to burn through my clothing. It's almost like the air that was able to set us free in my dream. Sitting on this cold bench, I let the remains of the snow hit me. I deserve it. Thoughts of Quistis falling backwards off of everything she cared for keeps replaying in my mind. Her head turning to the side quickly, as my hand engulfed her face. The look she gave me, while she sat huddled up in the tub was heart wrenching. How she backed away from me, as if the short walls could protect her. I want to return to the room. Apologize, and tell her I'd never do that again. How do you take back something like that? 

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Time: 12:00 a.m.

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Location: My Dorm Room 

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Date: December 4, 2000

The frigid air finally got the best of me, and I was forced to return back to my room. It was chilly inside…I figured it was just the heater giving up on us. Quistis was asleep. I tried to ignore how heavy my eyelids were getting. I couldn't sleep. I doubt she wanted me next to her anyway. Instead, I found an old journal resting on the ground beside her. It was halfway falling apart, and the contents were dying to be read. Hoping it would pacify my weariness, I thumbed through the pages, and stopped on her most recent entry.

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December 4

I should've hid them in a better spot. He found them easily, very easily. I'm afraid to talk to him. I'm afraid he'd miss me too much if I left one day. Maybe things would be better for him, if he remembered me as the empty, broken girl who never spoke to him. Sometimes, I could've sworn that everything was perfect. Nothing could tear us apart. Other days, I can't wait to die. The cure doesn't exist. What Seifer and me used to have, doesn't exist. I don't even exist anymore. I don't know what to do. I want to talk to him. He doesn't know that I'm falling apart, each time he looks at me, and waits for me to speak to him. It seems the lullabies I used to sing to him, only keep him awake. My silence, my body, the scent of my hair is driving him away.

He hurt me. I deserved it. Did he finally realize that I'm not as beautiful as he thought I was? My face hurts. I want him to comfort me, but I'm scared to let him touch me. 

Life is confusing. No one wants what's left of me. Scattered remains of a doll. I'm only doll parts. 

Please God…don't let it hurt anymore. 

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Time: 12:08 a.m.

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Location: Swimming in self-pity

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Date: December 4, 2000

I move next to her, and put my arms around her. She flinches, and sits up quickly. Staring at me, I could see the red mark from my hand, stitched imperfectly on her cheek. I stroke her disheveled hair. Her eyebrows crinkle, and she sobs uncontrollably in my chest. We don't have anything to say to eachother. I want to say that I'm sorry, but what's the right way to say it? Instead, I pull the sunny colored blanket around her bare shoulders, and move towards her. Resting my face past hers. I can't look at what I've done. She looks different. The huge picture of a desert landscape hangs beside my bed. I can see her reflection in it. Falling apart, like a little girl. 

Thinking of all the good things she's done for me, I feel like jumping off of the world. She didn't deserve this. My eyes shift around the room, I need to focus on something else. Concentrating on the open dictionary left on my desk, I see she's been working on grading her schoolwork.

She used to be so perfect, and I managed to damage that.

I try to drown out her whimpers, and the feeling of her tears warming my shoulders. Absurdly, I imagine that she was looking up the definition to "heartless". I know exactly what it'd say.

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Heart·less (härtls) adj. 

1) Devoid of compassion or feeling; pitiless. 

2) Devoid of courage or enthusiasm; spiritless 

3) Seifer Almasy 


	7. Jigsaw

Downpour ****

Downpour

Time: 4:48 a.m.

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Location: My Dorm Room 

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Date: December 5, 2000

I'm sleeping with her. Well, no, I'm not sleeping…more like dying with her. She breathes slowly, her chest moving up and down. Slow motion. In 2 hours, she has to wake up, and teach a class. What will her students think when they see my handprint on her face? Will they question her? Will they know that I'm the one who finger-painted her in red? Removing my arm from under her head, I sigh and turn on my side. It's still hard to look at her, which is strange. I used to love seeing her. I could stare at her for hours. Now, the very sight of what I did makes me want to vomit. 

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Time: 12:19 p.m.

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Location: My Dorm Room 

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Date: December 5, 2000

Waking up, I see what's left of the sun shining dimly into the room. Quistis had left already. I meant to stand up and apologize once more. Wish her a good day, and kiss the other side of her face, far from my mistakes. I didn't mean to fall asleep, but I also didn't mean to hit her. I must've been dreaming, but I believe that before she left, she kissed me. That strong beautiful drug she used to leave on my tongue doesn't exist anymore. I taste her pain. The tears that expired on her lips last night; they're bitter.

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Time: 12:22 p.m.

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Location: My Dorm Room [Bathroom]

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Date: December 5, 2000

The medicine cabinet mirror has painted an honest picture of me. I see a man that has lost it. My eyes are bloodshot from lack of sleep. I wasn't even comfortable enough to change out of my snow stained clothes. I'm a puzzle. The pieces of everyone never did fit, but they were shoved in place anyway. My mind is missing her piece; it fell out last night.

Over to my right, the bathtub rests peacefully. I nervously peek at it from the corner of my eye. It's haunting. I can almost see the exact position she laid in, hours after I was gone. Sobbing hysterically in her hands, hating who she is, hating where she was.

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Time: 1:02 p.m.

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Location: Balamb Garden [Hallway]

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Date: December 5, 2000

"Hey Seifer!"

Peering up from my hands, I bury my face again when I see the cheery brunette accompanied by her loyal cowboy.

"How come you didn't go to class today?"

I ignored her. 

Assuming I didn't hear her, she repeated her question again, bending over speaking in front of my face.

"I'm sick, I couldn't go." I mumbled through my palms.

__

Finally, the truth.

"Sick? Well, shouldn't you be in your room, sleeping or something?"

My mind was filled, and I was ready to snap. Things weren't going my way. I didn't feel like sitting here, and answering dumb, meaningless questions.

"Anyway, did you see Quistis' face? What happened to her?"

Was she ever going to give up? Should I confess and tell her the horrifying details of last night? How I brutally slapped her in the face, and made her tumble down and hit her back against the walls of the tub? No, I decided to stay silent. Instead of even thinking of an answer, I got up and walked towards her classroom.

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Time: 1:12 p.m.

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Location: Balamb Garden [Classroom]

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Date: December 5, 2000

Looking inside, I see her grading papers. Her chin propped up on her hand, as if to hide the mark. The room was empty. Good.

"How are you feeling?"

She didn't look up, she knew it was me. She stayed silent a few seconds more, before answering.

"I'm good Seifer, and yourself? How are you doing?"

This was strange. It reminded me of when I always tried talking to her, before I really knew her. I hated this feeling.

I walked up to her, and placed my hand on her shoulders. I apologized once more, and began to run my fingers through her hair. She paused, afraid of what I was doing. This is terrible. I don't want her to fear me. Trying to ignore how terrified she was, I let her know how my day was, and thanked her for not waking me up for class. God, I'm such a weak bastard. Here, she's bruised and beaten, and she comes to class. I'm the one who hurt her, and I decide not to show up. 

At least we were talking. I reached into my pocket, and pulled out two blue tablets. She picked them up, and stared at them for a bit, before bringing her cupped fist to her mouth. Seeing how she didn't put up a fight, I smiled, pulled her up, and held her tight. She didn't hold me back though. It wasn't 'til later that I realized she actually still had the pills hidden in her hand.


	8. Immune

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Downpour

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Time: 5:01 p.m.

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Location: My Dorm Room

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Date: December 5, 2000

After all her classes were over with, we went to the cafeteria to get something to eat. Well, we didn't eat, only I did. After trying numerous times to convince her to take a bite out of my salad, I finally gave up, and finished it on my own. I watched her daintily sip from her cup of pitch-black coffee, and continuously pull napkins from the dispenser, just to nervously fold them. It's a bit hard to remember, but I'm pretty sure I didn't act this way when I was "infected". She'll still talk to me, and she'll touch me. Only problem is, I don't want her to touch me.

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Time: 5:54 p.m.

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Location: Dancing in a sickness

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Date: December 5, 2000

Is it wrong for me to fear her touch? I am, after all, the one who gave her this illness. She took me in, when I stumbled to her front door, bleeding and dying. She cleansed me. Ah, I'll never forget that night. The night I finally got to feel what I've been deprived of all my life. I was oblivious to what was going on around me, but then she spoke to me. Those five words that came so naturally, honestly, and just in time. 

"I'll take care of you."

We then proceeded to do the one thing we shouldn't have.

It'd be easier for me to turn away from her, if she didn't open up so many places in me. I'd be able to run freely if she didn't touch me the way she does, if she didn't care for me the way she does. I peek up from the weekly packets of "Remember your Fighting Skills" that she has brought for me to work on. She's grading papers. I wonder to myself how she finds it so easily to go on with her "normal life".

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Time: 6:00 p.m.

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Location: My Dorm Room

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Date: December 5, 2000

I can't understand her. I stare at her, and I don't see what I used to see. For some strange reason, I want to touch her now. 

Setting the worksheets down, I walk behind her, and massage her shoulders. Once again, she pauses, but finally puts her paperwork away and stands up. She strokes my face, and makes me feel guilty. I can't do the same, because I don't want to hurt her. Instead, I kiss her, making sure to keep my eyes closed tightly. We move once again, towards the bed. I close my eyes and sigh, as she removes my belt. I don't want to do this, but it'll get my mind off of things for now. 

****

Time: 6:09 p.m.

****

Location: Skipping through her 

****

Date: December 5, 2000

She holds me tightly, and breathes heavily on my shoulders. Her breath is warm, and a bit comforting. I wish I could look at her, but I can't. Instead, I close my eyes, and keep moving. She whimpers and moans quietly. I imagine that she's the same beautiful girl she used to be. I want to get contaminated again. I want to feel what she feels right now. I deserve to. With that final thought, I press deeply and quickly one last time into her, as she cries in pleasure. Smiling, Sweating, and out of breath, I rest my head on her chest and sleep. 

In the morning, after I awoke, I headed to the infirmary; only to find that strangely, I wasn't infected at all. 


	9. Abandon

Downpour  ****

Downpour 

****

Time: 5:42 p.m.

****

Location: Balamb Garden [Infirmary] 

****

Date: December 6, 2000

It's confusing. I always think that I can't fail, but when my plans finally undergo everything, they just collapse. If I get the disease, will it solve everything?

"You're clean."

She speaks to me.

"Cleaner than anyone I've seen."

HA! If only she knew me. Would she still speak of me being as being untouched? If she knew what I had done to Quistis, would she even offer to check my body for anything that would cause harm?

"Are you sure there's nothing there? I mean, no poison or anything?"

She shakes her head. 

"Nope. Nothing there."

"HOW COULD THAT BE?!"

"Please calm down. I'd love to stand here and answer every question that you have, but I have students I must attend to."

Yeah, of course she does.

****

Time: 6:08 a.m.

****

Location: Balamb Garden [Classroom] 

****

Date: December 6, 2000

I made it to class today. It seems quiet. Quiet of the usual gossip, that is. Everyone looks at me, amazed that I showed up. I think they're beginning to suspect something. They compare the mark on Quistis' face to the size of my hands, and eye me angrily when they think that I'm not looking. I see them pass notes to each other. I don't have to wonder what the contents are, because I already know what they're writing about. They wildly whisper to each other "How could he even show his face in here?" or "He must be weak, beating on the instructor like that!" 

Weak? If they were able to spend a day in my shoes, they'd fall apart. They'd die in a second. Well, the only thing I know is that they wouldn't be able to stand, as long as I've been standing.

I brutally sneer at two girls who seem to be disgusted with me, and focus on Quistis who's standing in front of the class.

"Alright class, quiet down. Please take out your homework, and—" She pauses, and takes a seat. "And…" Resting her head on her hand, she seemed disoriented, confused. 

We all watch quietly as she carefully takes long silent breaths. It's my cue to run up to her and see if she's ok, but instead I just sit here. After awhile, she presses the red button on the intercom and calls for someone to substitute the class, while she steps out.

****

Time: 6:30 a.m.

****

Location: Balamb Garden [Classroom] 

****

Date: December 6, 2000

I am truly the biggest asshole in the world. She left class about 20 minutes ago, and I'm still in here. Why am I still in here? I hate myself, I hate everyone. I feel like crushing those eyes that are still staring at me. I feel like strangling the mentor who's wasting my time.

Five minutes have passed, and I still stupidly sit here. The clock on the wall ticks soundly, and outside the harsh winds blow, and whistle throughout the room. I want to be the one who saves her. I know if I don't check up on her, Squall is going to run to her and be the damn hero again. I can't let that happen.

****

Time: 6:49 a.m.

****

Location: Balamb Garden [Hallway]

****

Date: December 6, 2000

Despite the many requests for me to take my seat again, I walked right past the short old witch, and into these disgusting hallways. I'm worried, angry, and confused. Such feelings are causing me to walk at an incredibly fast pace. My ears are shut off to the voices of everyone else, and my fists don't yearn to crash into the faces of SeeDs who fear me. I don't know where I'm going; I don't know where the fuck she went.

I've checked the infirmary, the library, cafeteria, and Quad. One would think in these lifeless walkways, that fluorescent beauty would be simple to find. Wrong. Quistis doesn't shine like she used to. She's faded; she's dim. And it's my fault. I stopped in my tracks, frustrated. I spun around to check every corner of the school, and didn't find her, when finally…this thought came to me.

"She's in the dorm."

****

Time: 7:02 a.m.

****

Location: Balamb Garden [Dorm Corridor]

****

Date: December 6, 2000

Looking for her idiotically has caused me to waste time, and without a second thought, I burst into the room, and found her on her knees, weeping over the bed.

****

Time: 7:08 a.m.

****

Location: My Dorm Room

****

Date: December 6, 2000

She didn't look up at me, but I'm positive that she heard me. I tucked my hands into my pockets, and watched her cry for awhile. I had to break the silence, but I didn't know what to say.

"Do you—I mean, are you OK?"

What the hell kind of question was that.

She's given up on me; she's given up on us. I could tell, because she innocently held her hand out to me, and showed me the medicine she's neglected to take. Our life…she's refusing to live.


	10. Villain

Time: 7:16 a ****

Downpour

****

Time: 7:16 a.m.

****

Location: My Dorm Room

****

Date: December 6, 2000

A handful of sky-colored capsules stared back at me. They taunted me, laughed at me, and everyone knows how much I hate that. I angrily stared at her.

She whimpered, and looked up at me like a frightened child. 

"Don't be angry with me." Her voice was cracking, and used.

I closed my eyes, and lowered my head. Wintertime always messed me up. It made me crueler. It made me blind. Shaking her crying from my ears, I walked towards the door.

"Seifer, please don't go. I need you right now! I—"

Turning the polished knob, I slowly stepped out into the hallway. 

"...I need you TO UNDERSTAND ME!"

Her voice echoed through the building. It was piercing. Deafening. Any bystanders would be able to witness then and there a relationship that was no longer working.

Oh my dear Quistis, I've tried to understand you. Frankly, I've given up.

****

Time: 12:46 a.m.

****

Location: Balamb Garden [Wandering Aimlessly] 

****

Date: December 6, 2000

Standing out by the elevators, I realize that it takes about 15 minutes for all the SeeDs to be out of their own worlds, and into their dorms. 3 minutes ago, all the lights in the Cafeteria and Library were shut off, and it seems 30 seconds ago, I lost my mind.

I stand against these walls, and wonder why no one has sent me to my room. I think back, and remember the night she rescued me from the dark room of Deling City's clinic. How I twirled her in the sky, as her hair flowed around us. How we laughed like children. We were innocent. Back then…yes, it was safe to say… we _were_ innocent. 

****

Time: 2:31 a.m.

****

Location: My Dorm Room 

****

Date: December 6, 2000

The smell of all the cigarettes I had smoked rebelliously in the building is finally catching up to me. It clouds up the room; my scent is enough to make someone choke. Looking around the dark room, my vision isn't enough to tell me whether Quistis is in there or not, so I walk to the nearby light switch and flick it on. I quickly forget all my anger, and frustration when I see her sprawled out on the beige carpet.

****

Time: 2:38 a.m.

****

Location: Hell 

****

Date: December 6, 2000

Pointlessly, I tried calling her name, and asking her to answer me. I gave the untouched side of her face a swift pat, and tried to wake her. What the hell am I doing? I'm treating her like some unconscious being that I've found left on the side of the road. This was the woman who made me feel perfect, the woman who actually gave _me_ a chance, not some defenseless human. She needed more than for me to help her.

Her eyelids opened, and she blinked slowly. She tried to focus; she tried to understand what was going on. What was she thinking when she saw me hovered over her, with pitiful tear filled eyes? 

She opened her mouth, and spoke slowly. Her voice was raspy, and I cringed when I heard it. Tousled hair framed her face, and she was pale. Oh, so pale. 

"Seifer, I'm sorry I didn't take the medicine. I'm sorry if I confuse you…I just…"

I placed my hand over her mouth, and told her not to speak. Bending over and picking her up, I carefully, yet quickly carried her to the infirmary, as she struggled to breathe in my arms.

****

Time: 3:04 a.m.

****

Location: Disgusting Chambers

****

Date: December 6, 2000

Thumbing through filthy, used, repetitious magazines, I become weary, and sad. I see pictures of fake happy couples, how perfect they look, and I compare it to me, sitting in this waiting room, and to Quistis who's on the other side lying in a cold bone-white bed. 

This yearning to be someone different, to live on the other side of the world, and not watch her die is overpowering. I think back to my carefree days of hurting others, and avoiding this strange thing called "love" at all costs.

What is love, anyway? Is it sitting in a vacant room at 3:00 in the morning, instead of sleeping soundly, and warmly in your own bed? Is it rescuing a person, just so someone else can't save her, and claim to be the hero? Is it murdering their self-confidence, and forgetting to tell them how beautiful they are, despite all their noticeable flaws? 

I'm not the hero; I'm the villain. In life, and obviously, in "love".

Sighing, I sink deeper into the chair. I don't think that question can be answered. No wait let me rephrase that. It CAN be answered, just not by me. I know nothing about love. I've only experienced it once, and already, like all the small good things that's happened to me, it seems to be coming to an end.


	11. Animate

Downpour ****

Downpour

****

Time: 3:37 a.m.

****

Location: My Dorm Room

****

Date: December 6, 2000

I pleaded to stay in the hospital with her, but I was shut down. Here I am, in my room. Alone. Walking into the bathroom, I stare in the mirror for hours. A broken man who has lost everything stares back at me. I'm unable to comfort others, only hurt others. Nobody wants someone like me. Well, only Quistis did, and with her not around, I feel I'm going to lose my mind. 

What if she dies? What if she dies tonight, and I'm not with her?

Shaking my head, I try to shrug everything off.

She's the one who fell in love first, not me. I was doing fine on my own. I didn't need her to survive. I don't need her now.

Slowly, I sauntered over to our empty bed, retrieved her journal off of the ground, and began to read it. 

****

Time: 6:50 a.m.

****

Location: My Dorm Room

****

Date: December 7, 2000

The snow-ravaged sun burns through my eyelids, and forces me awake. I stretch, and look down at her open book resting on my chest. Thinking back to last night, I remember reading her mind. Her innermost thoughts about me, which she wouldn't dare speak. 

She longs for worlds that don't exist, and she wants to spend her time there with me. Her depression, and struggle through life is saddening. I read how she was desperate to find a cure for me, something I'm not even doing for her. How she cherishes me, and speaks of me as a God, while I feel I don't need her to survive. I do need her. She doesn't realize it, but I do.

****

Time: 7:10 a.m.

****

Location: Infirmary

****

Date: December 7, 2000

Pushing through the groups of wounded, disgusting kids I quickly walk into Quistis' room, and stare down at her. Her eyes open, when she senses someone there, and she stares at me. Blankly. Blue oceans, which she spoke of nearly drowned me, so I looked away.

I reached down and grabbed her hand. She squeezed back weakly, and started silently weeping.

"Why…" She held my hand tighter. "…Why did you leave me alone?"

I shook my head. I hated seeing her cry. Opening my mouth, I quickly shut it again, for fear that I'd pathetically begin to sob.

Taking a deep breath, I finally spoke. 

"Do you want to get out of here?"

She let go of my hand, and brought her palms to her eyes. There were numerous bandages bound to her arms, the result of drawing blood, and her lips looked stained white. Muffled apologizes escaped from her fists, as she tried curling her blanketed legs to her chest. 

After speaking with the nurse, I convinced her to let me take Quistis out. I picked her up, as her arms limply dangled to the sides, and her head rested on my shoulder. 

All the universe's beauty and strength was disappearing before my eyes. People were beginning to stare, and wonder where we were going. 

She needs to escape. We _will_ escape. 

****

Time: 7:29 a.m.

****

Location: Balamb Garden [Outside]

****

Date: December 7, 2000

Harsh winds were blowing, but the snow was no longer falling. Sitting on a nearby bench, with her on my lap, I looked down and saw her empty eyes try to widen. I felt her body flinch against mine from the cold air, and her fingers cling to my coat, as if she was begging for warmth. Rubbing my hands along her arms, I tried to heat her up. 

  
Raising her arm idly and weakly, her shaky cold fingers trace the frame of my face. She slowly tells me how beautiful I am. How I always seemed to rescue her when the time was needed. Confused, I looked at her, and right then and there…I saw her.

The wind blew through her hair, reflecting life, and when I touched her lips, the pale crimson color returned. Ocean eyes no longer drowned me, and powerful arms caught me. Pale skin remained, but it received the light it had missed, and blinded me, beautifully. 

What she was saying, was enough to deem me as "hero-worthy". I smiled, although I shouldn't have been smiling.


	12. Denial

Downpour ****

Downpour

****

Time: 7:57 a.m.

****

Location: Balamb Garden [Outside]

****

Date: December 7, 2000

We've been sitting outside for quite a while now, not doing much but talking. Ah, this is something that I've been deprived of for some time. I was never able to sit down, and actually talk to her, but here she is. Although the air is burning my skin, nothing could ruin my happiness. It seems that she has forgotten everything. She talks as if nothing could hold her back anymore. She ignores the fact that she's freezing, and the idea of being infected is foreign to her. 

"Quistis…I love you."

She stopped in the middle of her sentence, and looked up at me. She didn't say anything, but she did smile back.

"You know Seifer. Dr. Kadowaki once told me that there are certain people who can survive with this, and there's some that'll collapse after a period of time. I honestly think I can survive with this. Only thing is, if I still live…I don't want to live here…"

I carefully listened to everything she was saying, glad that she wasn't speaking of dying anymore.

"…We belong someplace beautiful."

Noticing her unstable condition, I still dumbly asked her if we could leave now.

She coughed in her hands, and surprisingly arose from my lap. 

"It's now or never."

****

Time: 8:13 a.m.

****

Location: Balamb 

****

Date: December 7, 2000

She's able to walk, and I don't dare ask what brought this new sense of strength. The sky sang to us…songs we've never heard before, but we smiled and walked to the rhythm. She was the wind. Passing through life, faultlessly, effortlessly. Some unseen beauty, that only few have cared to recognize. She was the rain, falling from heaven, and cleansing me. She was Quistis; she was everything to me.

Further down the trail, the temperature picked up. We didn't have a destination in mind…but that didn't bother us. She hugged herself to stay warm, and looked up and smiled at me every now and then. We passed the frost that clung to shop windows, and from the corner of my eye, I admired the reflection of us. Pink lips curve upwards, as we laugh at the sound of snow crushing under our feet.

****

Time: 8:43 a.m.

****

Location: Exiting Balamb 

****

Date: December 7, 2000

The faded green sign lays forgotten behind us. We don't miss it. Balamb never treated us right. No one would ever be able to understand children like us, but I don't care. We're unrestrained, we don't belong to anyone anymore.

A soft thump interrupts my thoughts, and I turn and look at Quistis who almost tripped, but caught herself in time.

"Are you all right?"

She laughs. 

"I'm fine, just a little clumsy is all. Whew, I think we should sit down."

"Ok, there's some rocks over there, we could—"

Ignoring what I said, she quickly sits on the ground, the snow covering her ankles. She shakes her head quickly, and presses her palms to the ice to hold herself up. Sitting beside her, I dig through the snow, and touch the dead grass underneath. I glare at people exiting Balamb who stare at us as if we're savages. 

Long deep breaths surround my ears, and I stare at Quistis who's concentrating intently on her breathing.

"I think we should get back to the town." I speak, concerned.

"No…" She gets up slowly, and continues walking. "…I can do it."

Watching her, she takes two steps, then tumbles to the ground. Scurrying to my feet, I rush to her, and examine her lifeless body drowning in God's snow.

****

Time: 8:56 a.m.

****

Location: Exiting Balamb 

****

Date: December 7, 2000

Finding my head buried in her chest, I listened for a heartbeat. A crowd was beginning to form and when I no longer felt her breathing, I backed away slowly.

"She's needs to be taken to a hospital, is she all right?"

A young woman broke the crowd, and spoke to me. All I could do was look at them, and shake my head in disbelief, my mouth hanging open.

Two men telling me they were taking her to a hospital tried carrying her away. Standing up, I violently pushed them to the ground.

"NO! Don't touch her! Don't you FUCKING touch her!"

Everyone was gathering, like this was some sick show. The ice kept pounding incessantly on my head. I could hear gasps, and loud weeping. Searching the audience, I stopped when I noticed it was me who was crying.

"Is she dead?" The lady bent over, and touched her pale lifeless wrists.

"We were running away that's all. I only told her to sit down. I didn't do it, I swear to God I didn't do it!" 

My voice was loud and shaky, and what I was saying made no sense. Quickly, I put my head on her chest. 

"QUISTIS! Wake up! Come on! I won't make you take that medicine anymore! I'll take care of you this time. Tell everyone what you told me!" 

Pulling her up to me, her head rolled back and her closed eyelids pointed towards the sky. Her chest was pressed so tightly against mine that it began to hurt. Our bodies were rocking back and forth together, and I stroked her velvet blonde hair. Yearning to be held back, I squeezed her tighter when I saw palms hidden in the blanket of white.

"We belong some place beautiful…" My pathetic sobs were growing louder and louder, and my voice sounded weak. "…I won't leave you alone anymore..."

Thinking back to the night when I left her behind while she cried, I figured she was trying to get back at me. Closing my eyes snugly, my voice was silent. "You win, just wake up. I won't hurt you anymore. I need you to understand _me._"


	13. Trance

Downpour ****

Downpour

****

Time: 7:41 p.m.

****

Location: Hell

****

Date: December 7, 2000

Dwelling on the cold ground for hours, I have forgotten everything I had ever known. I pleaded, even threatened that if they took Quistis, I'd kill them. Of course, they ignored me.

I watched them carry her away, her legs bouncing and kicking weakly in the air, her long fingers held open as if she was waiting for my hand. The lanky man's back was blocking her face, but I could see the top of her head peeking out. Flaxen silky strands poured from her everyday up-do, and trailed past his arms. They swayed back and forth, shuffling sadly in the numbing breeze. 

The mass of people began to slowly disappear, walking off, murmuring to each other "Oh, what a poor young man." Pitying me, which made me want to dumbly cry harder. I'm not as strong as I thought. I can't fight death.

The hissing night surrounded me, as the snow piled higher and higher. It was dark; I couldn't see. For the first time in my "brave" life I had no idea what I was going to do. I did however know one thing for sure. Nothing will ever be the same.

****

Time: 8:45 p.m.

****

Location: Haunting space

****

Date: December 7, 2000

Balamb Garden was quiet. Everyone all ready knew they had lost not only an instructor, but also a beautiful friend. Ice clung to my windowsill, and made the room seem colder. 

Dents covered the left side of the bed where she once slept, and her un-graded schoolwork continues to lie stacked up neatly on the nearby desk. Blinking slowly, my once teary eyes seemed dry, and they were beginning to burn.

It almost felt like nothing had happened. Like she was still in her classroom, reviewing papers. In an hour or so, she'd greet me. Smiling. She was always smiling.

****

Time: 10:43 a.m.

****

Location: Balamb Garden [Outside]

****

Date: December 8, 2000

Company has tried to greet me; they've tried to cheer me up. But I don't need it. I'm alone. I want to be left alone.

Sighing, I look down at her journal, which I've chosen to keep with me at all times. I'm not sure, but I could've sworn I was smiling as I read the numerous times she felt so happy and content with me. Flipping through the pages, I run my finger down the soft paper, and soak up her fingerprints and ink.

She's beautiful. As beautiful as the sun that melts this ice. As beautiful as the night that disguises us all. She only shows what she wants us to see. Nobody would ever understand her. People would've treated her differently had they known what I know.

The wind chilled me. It seemed as if she was hugging me. Trying to keep me warm, despite how cold her touch has grown. 

The sky was beginning to darken, and everyone that was outside retreated into the building. Cold drops of ice poured from the vault of Heaven, as I held my head back and let it hit my face.

"I feel you Quistis…" I silently spoke. "…I'm sorry for everything. I wish I could've taken care of you. I wish I were able to fill your chest with my air. If there's anything I can do that'll bring you back, I'll do it. I don't want to long for you again."

Stopping at an entry, I quietly read squinting my eyes, trying to hold it all in.

__

December 6

Eventually, everything will work out. We won't know what it's like to hurt anymore. I saw the world again, shining like trees of fire, beyond these fields of green. We spun in circles in these plains; we counted all the water drops in the sea. I fell into the grass. I woke up alone. It doesn't matter. He'll find me. He always finds me. I adore him for it. He's Seifer. He's everything.

Re-reading her latest entry, I analyzed every word. I hadn't noticed it in here before, but I'm glad I found it. Shutting the book, I placed it under my coat, protecting it from the cold. Somewhere…across the universe…I'll find her. Sprawling out on the bench, I ignore the frozen wood, as I watch my coat flail in the harsh wind. I don't mind. The wind takes me high. It makes me float. It makes me free. 

__

"The girl on the wall always waited for me, and she was always smiling. The teenage death boys, the teenage death girls, and everyone was dancing. Nothing could touch us then, no one could change us then, and everyone was dancing. Nothing could hurt us then, no one could see us then, and everyone was dancing. Everyone was dancing."

-Unknown

The End


End file.
